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2002-11-03 - 12:03 p.m. I didn't got to church this morning b/c I don't really wanna deal with my own insecurities with the Christian faith. I'm not understanding a lot of it... I think i'm losing faith. Dad thinks it's because I'm don't have balance in my life; I don't listen to nearly enough christian music, I don't read the Bible a lot... etc. But I'm just questioning part I already know. I don't get the book of Job. If God loves us so flipping much, how come he can just throw us to the devil at anytime? The message two weeks ago for youth church really struck me hard, in the wrong way. I think I've lost faith in a lot of thing. I know that because it's been the worst year I should be praising God that nothign worse has happened (or soemthing like that) but I just can't understand why anymore. I mean, I thank him quite regurally in prayer and what not, but I see nothing but worse. God left Job to be tourtured by the devil jsut so he could look good. I mean, he gives us these weaknesses just to keep us in our place, but he insists we should strive to be just like him. I don't understand at all. I was hoping that P. Mitch would talk to be about my bad day so I could ask him, but he never did. I'd rather just have all my trust in God w/o having to worry about reading the Bible, b/c it's the Bible that confuses me. Along with that, Justin I guess is giving a last try wtih Kelly and then he's going to try dating again. So says Peyton. Peyton's also a bitch. No me gusta. I don't know what I'd do if Justi nwere to ask me out (Justin: If I was at any other time in my life, I would ask you out in a millisecond.....) b/c Erin still has a huge crush on him. I don't wanna stab my good friend in the back. But I really like Justin. Even outside of the Erin situation, I have my own insecurities to contend with. I'm not an attractive individual, I'll be the first to say it. I mean, I havea pretty face, but that's where it ends. I wish that I looked like Lucy Ball or Audrey Hepburn. Or that my waist weren't as big, or my arms as gross. I wish I had more sense with make up. I wish I could wear cuter outfits. Acutally, over all I'm happy with myself, honest. Just, when I think of boys, I know that I'll probably find love when I'm like 40 or something after more guys realize that it's personality that counts. Until then, I think I'll just invest in a whole bunch of fish. And then I worry about Ariel. She's so depressed lately. :( I don't know what to do except hold her, b/c I don't know what to say except that I've lived through it. I think she's found a solution though. My Grandma's other eye is getting worse. And then my G'ma on my mum's side has been in the hospital on and off for the past two weeks and they don't know what's wrong. I keep having dreams that my Uncle is dead. Or that Uncle Dan's lukemia is getting worse. Or that my daddy has something wrong with him. Mom and I havnt fought in an entire week. I had senior pics taken yesterday and the photographer kept comng at me with a horrible comb. The hair belongs in the scalp! I promise! I really wanna ask Justin how his Queen of Hearts plan went.. just out of friendly curiosity... but he's not online. I worry about him. I think I'll be yelled at for not going to church. So I better get offline.
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